HEART ON DEFROST 😵‍💫🥶

Disclaimer: THIS IS MY TRUTH.

My truth is not being shared with any malicious intentions. This piece of work serves as a stepping stone in my healing journey. I'm sharing it with you now.

2022 left me with some permanent scars 💔

I made it through Covid, going viral, juggled an overwhelmingly growing business, my parents got divorced, and then I got ghosted and cut off from the rest of my family. Not to mention, experiencing my first recession as an entrepreneur 😒🙄.

It was so much to take in.

One of my biggest goals after moving back to Memphis was to bring the women in my immediate family closer together.

At the time, my parents were separated, but I wanted to change the dynamic of our family, for a better future. We've never had unity or womanhood in our family as I was growing up. We needed it, and I would've loved to build that.

I remember being jealous of people with a healthy family dynamic as a child. I longed for that, and I fought for it.

Growing up, I was surrounded by anger, unhealthy coping mechanisms, fighting, bullying/mistreatment, and other shit that can break people's spirit. I was depressed, suicidal, and riddled with anxiety from as early as I can remember. I never felt safe or protected. I never felt like anyone was on my side.

My childhood affected everything about me, and it's been really hard for me to heal through some of the things that have happened to me.

There are a lot of children in my immediate family, so my plan was to create a united front amongst the women, so we could set a healthier example for the kids. I've always been focused on the bigger picture. The children are the future of our family, and they deserve a life that doesn't involve enabling dysfunction, or growing up unjustly hating one another.

Those are very traumatic generational curses that need to be broken, for the sake of the future of our family.

I just wanted change..........

I remember telling my hubby that I think that I can bring us together and create a close knit relationship amongst our family. I remember saying we could still be a family, and that the divorce didn't have to break our unit apart.

I tried to show them that although the family was splitting, WE could come together even stronger.

I thought I could've been the glue, but the devil succeeded in ripping us apart.

I orchestrated picnics with my family, cooked family dinners a few times a week, introduced them to things that I was doing to heal myself, witnessed my nephews home birth, cared for my sister and her family after she gave birth, and I was super excited when I got my apartment. All I talked about was family time, dinners, and kicking it with them in my new home.

I really did everything in my power to spend time with them and to strengthen our connection, since I had been living in another city for 4 years.

I did everything out of love, no matter what.

Unfortunately, it seems as if my efforts to bring us together has done the complete opposite, for me at least.

I put in all of that work, only to not have any family now.

I’ve always talked about how I’ve never had to grieve losing close loved ones, and how it would be hard once I did. I always imagined grieving losing a loved one to death, but they are all still alive.

I think that losing loved ones who are still alive and well was harder for me to process than losing them to death. Especially since the situations could've all been resolved with healthy communication and a change of behavior.

It all could've been fixed by choosing love, but they allowed the devil to win.

I saw firsthand how pride, the lack of communication, unresolved trauma, lack of accountability, and the lack of a sincere apology can rip apart relationships in the blink of an eye.

It hurt my feelings to do everything that I could to bring peace, healing, and unity to my family and to know that it wasn’t received how I intended. My family went from speaking to me daily to treating me differently, to the point that now I’m no longer invited or included in anything that they do.

I have dealt with dysfunction, emotional abuse, being treated differently, and countless toxic situations, in the name of "family."

I'm tired now. It seems like as soon as I found my voice, no one wanted to deal with me anymore, but everyone loved dealing with me when I stayed silent about everything.

I was forced into moving as if I have no family, because they started moving like I wasn't theirs. I guess it is what it is now.

No one can ever cut me deeper than they have.

Since I was cut off, I've been in solitude, and truly focused on taking care of myself, for once.

When the ones that you ride HARD for park AND abandon you, it fucks up your trust with other people too. To be treated differently and then listen to them brag about it, it was a new low.

I've helped them through some of their darkest moments, but they left me to walk through mine alone. I wanted their love so bad, that I was willing to continue being hurt, just to be around them.

It's crazy, because before I moved back to Memphis, I had a dream. I was a child, crying as I watched my mom get in a car and drive off into the sunset, without me. I cried in the dream and I was scared. When I woke up from the dream, I was confused. I wondered for 2 years what that dream could've meant, but then it all unfolded.

Some say I'm too busy to spend time with me, but never try. Some have completely taken their love away, and some just choose not to acknowledge me at all. They left me feeling abandoned just like in the dream, which forced me to address my childhood abandonment trauma. I'm grateful for that, because I'm healing now....

I waited for months to have a conversation that would have provided clarity about what I thought was a small misunderstanding. Hell, I didn't even do anything wrong in that situation. It's been almost a year now, and nothing was ever addressed. There are very huge issues that have just been swept under the rug, for years. No one will truthfully hold themselves accountable for it, so we could move forward in a healthy manner.

It's not healthy for issues to be brought up, and then not properly addressed. It's not cool to pretend like those issues don't exist anymore, just because time passed by.

I spoke out about some issues, only to be treated like I'm the bad person for bringing awareness to the toxic behaviors. I watched our relationships disintegrate, the longer that time passed without properly addressing the underlying issues.

Now, I understand that I never could have done anything at all to change what happened. I did all that I could, by trying to invoke change and be the light for us. Me speaking up has never been meant to bash anyone, it was always to bring awareness and change. It was for true inner healing.

That's why I won't apologize, for speaking my truth.

Everyone chose to do what they felt was best for themselves and said fuck me, despite how I felt. Everyone moved on, as if I didn't even exist to them, and my feelings weren't considered one time.

I was mistreated, rejected for being "different," and left out, until I finally got the message.

They didn't want me around anymore.

I've never been excluded from celebrating the birthday of my family members, but I was either invited last, or not invited at all. Multiple times.

I can't lie, it felt like a slap in the face to watch them comfortably treat me like an outsider, since I spent so many years of my life including them in everything that I did.

Instead of everyone equally holding themselves accountable for their mistakes, it's as if they look at me like I'm the problem. I'm the only one who speaks up, even if that means I'm going against the world for what I believe in. That doesn't make me a bad person. It makes me a courageous one.

We should value our relationships with one another, but I guess family doesn't mean shit. I guess I don't mean shit to them. If I do, they sure do have a very funny of way of showing me, because I sure don't feel the love.

Feeling like my family doesn't love me anymore is one hardest pill I've ever had to swallow, but I had to swallow it so it could be released.

I know that nothing will ever be the same again. To go almost a year without speaking to me over something so small, when we've had much bigger disagreements about much deeper topics... I just couldn't get it through my brain. I still don't fully understand.

What happened to unconditional love? Only a true change of heart, a change of energy towards me, and a change in their actions towards me can mend us at this point.

Their energy has drastically changed towards me, and I can't help but to notice it. They barely talk to me, but talk to each other. They don't spend time with me at all, but find time to spend time with each other. They don't care at all to learn the evolved version of me. I'm just the villain now.

One of the hardest things that I came to terms with was shifting my family oriented mindset to a selfish one. I never thought that they would discredit my love and cast me out, as if the problems with our family lies solely within me.

I never thought that they would kick me when I'm down. It seems like they all support one another, but they leave me to figure life out by myself every time.

Now, I see that the closest ones to you will be the first ones to stick a knife in you, watch you bleed out, and then leave you for dead.

They'll treat a stranger better than they treat their own blood.

It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I couldn’t do the work on our family by myself. They had to want us to have healthy relationships too. They had to be willing to have the hard conversations, acknowledge their flaws, apologize when wrong, and truly put in the work to become better people.. if not for me, for themselves.

For the future of our family.

I finally realized that it's not my responsibility to fix them. It's only my responsibility to become the best version of myself, and not pass down the same traumas to my family.

Once I released that burden, it felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

I thank GOD for the growth that this entire chapter has forced me to experience. I'm grateful for my ability to see what's real, and for the courage to comfortably speak my truth. I thank God for the ability to stand on my own two feet, because I've never felt more alone than I do now.

I'm walking with God though, so I'm perfectly fine. He built me for this.

I was in the dumps about this whole situation, for MONTHS. I started to blame myself and I even questioned what I could've done differently, but I realized that I did NOTHING WRONG.

Speaking up about things is what I feel is morally correct, and I'll never apologize about that. I'm staying true to myself.

Healthy relationships require effective communication, honesty, accountability, loyalty, apologies, and forgiveness from BOTH sides. It requires TRUE inner work and healing.

No matter how bad I wanted "family," I'm not willing to conform to dysfunctional patterns anymore, just to feel like I have one. I will continue to speak up about mistreatment and dysfunction, because it's wrong.

I will speak my truth, because my feelings are just as valid as yours are. My story deserves to be heard. Besides, my silence has never protected me before.

The truth only offends people who are comfortable with living a lie.

I'm no longer seeking an explanation, clarity about the situation, or seeking accountability for how I was treated. I simply observe how people choose to move in regards to me, and I deal with them accordingly. I trust that God did what he had to do, and that it must've been for my benefit.

After going through every emotion, praying countless times, and giving it time... I'm now at peace with closing this chapter of my life. I'm moving forward and healing from the pain that they've caused me.

I'm at peace with God knowing where my heart is. I can't sacrifice my peace of mind trying to fix people who won't acknowledge the brokenness.

I'm finally okay with knowing that I'm not wanted around, so I won't beg for my seat at their table. I've felt alone my whole life, so once I finally picked my heart up off the ground... the rest comes natural for me.

I'm building my own table now.

I rest well at night knowing that my intentions have always been pure. I've always shown love, support, and I stayed loyal to everyone. I know for a fact that I'm a great person to have around. I know the value that I bring, but I'm no longer forcing myself to be welcomed in spaces where my presence is resented.

I'm working on rebuilding my trust and my ability to get close to others, so I can align with my soul tribe. I won't lie, this situation fucked me up and right now, everyone is kept at a distance because of it.

This was one of the biggest spiritual attacks that I've ever faced in my life, but God has kept me through it. I can't thank Him enough. I thank God for helping me pick up my shattered heart up off the ground. I thank God for showing me the path that I need to take from here. I thank God for giving me a greater purpose. I thank God for keeping me.

I thank God for showing me that I wasn't being treated well. I've got to remain focused on the bigger picture now, which is my own peace of mind. ☮️

I don't want to be around people who are triggered to say/do hateful things to me, just because they're hurting. I no longer overlook being treated blatantly different from how they treat other people. I no longer wonder why their interactions with me have decreased over time. I'm no longer okay with being attacked and having my voice silenced. I'm not okay with being belittled and discredited, so they can feel better.

I no longer accept receiving the bare minimum.

I'm no longer interested in being repeatedly put down, let down, and left out. I can't pretend like I don't feel the pain, just because we're family. I'm no longer interested in talking shit about the same people who's toxic behavior is accepted and enabled by the same ones doing the talking. I don't want to deal with people who play both sides, but won't stand up for what's right.

I'm no longer interested in covering up the hateful energy that's been directed towards me my whole fucking life. I'm no longer interested in people who view me as their competition and biggest enemy, when all I've ever done is love them. All I've ever done was be there for them when they needed me.

I've had time to really reflect, and come to terms with this situation. I did everything that I could, and the rest is not up to me. REFLECTION is necessary for us to grow and heal. You can never improve yourself if you're in denial about your toxic patterns and trauma led decisions.

I'm unapologetic about any changes that have taken place in the process of me growing into a woman. I'm not sorry for wanting unconditional love, support that's given from the heart, loyalty, and respect from my family.

That's all I've ever given. I deserve for my energy to be reciprocated back to me.

People will say they love you and then say fuck you out of the same mouth, and I'm tired of it.

I never deserved to be treated like this.

I've been the only one willing to stand up for people when they were mistreated, but they have chosen to stay silent and watch me be wrongfully mistreated, when it was time for them to extend me that same grace.

Then, they came to me like I was the problem. I'm not sure what picture they have painted of me, but they should know my heart. It's sad that they don't.

It's a cold world out here.

I get the picture loud and clear now. My presence was never wanted or valued from the day I was born, so I'm moving on.

I'm no longer dependent on conditional love, because I've learned to love myself unconditionally. If you truly love me, your love should be unconditional too.

I've learned how important it is for me to listen to my intuition the first time. I've learned that my energy is never highly disturbed around people for no reason. People can lie about how they feel about you, but their energy and actions towards you will reveal the truth every time. Pay attention.

I've been taking the time to learn more about my empathic abilities, and how to protect my energy. It's important to protect your energy, no matter WHO it is.

It's hard out here when you feel EVERYTHING on a deeper level...

I'm proud of myself for staying resilient, despite how low I felt after this situation unfolded. I'm proud of myself for seeking a deeper understanding for the things that I've endured. I'm proud of myself for still choosing to reflect, even though I never felt like I did anything wrong.

I was still willing to hold myself accountable though, which is why I reflected for so long. That speaks volumes to my character and my emotional maturity.

Once I tapped into my spiritual journey a little deeper, it felt like everything that I knew before, no longer makes sense anymore. Everything that I've found comfort in was stripped away from me.

It's been a beautiful disaster, but I trust in the process 😊. I've got faith in the future, more than I ever have.

God has really been working on me, and I thank him every single day for remaining by my side, as he continues to mold me into a divine Goddess.

I'm choosing to share my story and heal out loud, because someone else has had a similar experience as me, and they need to know that they are not alone in this world.

What do you do now?

Do what is best for yourself to become the best version of YOU. Keep walking in your purpose. Keep improving yourself. Keep your mind focused on your goals, and take care of yourself first, no matter what.

Learn to pour into yourself before you are eager to pour into others, because if they leave... you'll be left with nothing.

God will never place too much on your shoulders. He is carrying the weight for you, and He will never leave you alone. Continue to trust in your journey, and know that God makes NO mistakes.

Everything that you've experienced will all make sense as you're looking back, from the future. Trust the process and keep your faith in tact.

Use this time to go within and heal your wounds. This situation has only prepared you for what's to come. No matter how painful it was, you survived, and it was necessary.

Pat yourself on back for your resilience, and prepare yourself to reach new heights in your journey.

Sometimes the hardest goodbyes will welcome the most beautiful lessons and open the doors for bigger, more beautiful connections to be built. It's hard to gain understanding in the heat of the moment, but keep your faith and trust the process.

Stay open to healing, so the pain can't live inside of you forever. 💜 Everything that happens to you has a bigger purpose. Learn healthy ways to release your pain, acknowledge the lesson(s), and move forward with no regrets.

Don't allow life to make you BITTER. Use your experiences to become BETTER.

Thank you for tuning in to this chapter of my story!

I'm healing now, because life goes on, and I've got shit to do!